Thursday, March 15, 2007
why do i not blog anymore.
Just didnt feel like it.
It's still pretty weird to pen down all your ramblings
and find out later that you've disclosed your inner thoughts--
to some passerby u don't even know.
Of course i won't mind sharing them with my close friends,
it just didn't feel right that anyone n everyone can read them.
*warning: you can stop reading now.Because the content below is
highly emotional,so much so that u wanna roll your eyes and slap me.
oversensitivity at work.Please ignore.
_________________________________________
I woke up today, only to hear the booming,familiar yells from the kitchen
and that frustration in the voice.
I always wished that I would wake up one day,
my mum will talk to me very nicely; asking me if i want my eggs half-boiled
or scrambled.
I like it scrambled on weekdays and half-boiled on weekends.
There will be no one ordering me to wash the laundry, do the bed,
change the bedsheets and all the chores you can think of.
I wanted to leave the house as quickly as possible.
Yet, i don't like the feeling of leaving home.
I like the smell of my bolster,my bed,my conditioner,my room.
When i went for camps, I always felt homesick in the middle of the night.
No bolster,no bed,no room.
No smell of comfort.
I Stick with familiarity.
I came home today, with aching shoulders and messy,flattened hair
I looked in the mirror.
yucks,I murmured.
Since when did I look so haggard
When was the last freaking i glowed.
The thought of school makes me feel sick.
We are all stuck in this.
And I know, I have no choice.
It was 930pm.I settled down in front of my computer.
The TV was on,it was airing the sad sad show.
I cried while watching it.
I cried when I was doing my essay.
It makes me wonder; what will happen if i really lose any of my loved ones one day?
I weeped at that thought.
No,I have to be strong.I need to be strong.
There is no one else by myself.
And myself myself myself.
There is no light in the living room.
I can't read the words on my text properly.
The screen is too glaring.
My eyes are hurting.
I'm having a headache.
"Daddy we need to get this fixed.
I can't study with dim lights.I cant concentrate."
Daddy gave me a loud sigh.
I know what the sigh means.
"I'm sorry junejune. I know. We'll wait and see how aye?"
It's ok Dad. I never blamed you.
I told Char there wasn't light in the living room.
"don't look behind you"
But I did, immediately after.
I see a shadow.
A shadow of me.
A shadow of fear.
The shadow of the unspoken thoughts.
What does it mean to be a nuisance more than a pleasure?
Do all these count?
Why do we sound so angsty when we talk to each other?
Do I bring more happiness or troubles?
But I can only tell myself not to think about it.
I took a deep breath and smile.
I bring happiness to my friends.
At least, I think I did.
That makes me feel good.
Spasticity is my trait.
I feel better with that.
Bimboticism is a cover-up
A shield for Me.
I turn to my shadow and stared at it.
Welcome to My world.
My Real World.
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8:15 AM
